I hate domestic violence

Tonight (Sunday night), I had one of the most scary experiences of my time in New York.

J1, K1, and I went to dinner at Flor de Mayo. After dinner, we headed over to Cafe Lalo for coffee. Lalo was packed, but we finally managed to get a table, where I had an excellent Orangina.

Once we finished, around 12:45 or 1, we went outside and ended up sitting and talking on one of the benches facing Lalo, because it was an absolutely beautiful night. This was when the trouble started.

K1 and I were having a meaningless but highly amusing conversation about how suit pants should be tailored while J1 talked to her sister (fn1) on the phone. Suddenly, this couple went up the stairs of the apartment next to the cafe, kind of struggling with each other. The guy pulled the door open and forced the girl inside and went in behind her.

The couple stood in the vestibule arguing and it quickly became clear that this was a domestic dispute, and that it was a familiar pattern of behavior for both individuals. K1 debated calling 911, but there wasn't really anything going on at that point -- just two people arguing. So we just sat and watched, hoping that our presence would provide some kind of protective shield.

Unfortunately, I think our being there encouraged the woman to escalate the situation, as she repeatedly told the man, "People are watching. Do whatever the f*** you want." They went back and forth, yelling at each other, with the man standing firmly in front of the door, preventing the woman from leaving.

Finally, she decided she had had enough and tried to leave. That was when the fighting began. The man was determined to stop the woman from leaving. They were throwing each other against the walls of the small area, and at one point it looked like she was trying to bite him.

K1 stood up as if to try to intervene. J1 and I told her to sit back down and just call the police. She did, but of course this devolved into a lengthy process as she tried to explain to the dispatcher exactly where we were and what we were witnessing.

After more fighting, the woman managed to force herself part way out the door. However, her purse was still sitting on the floor by the door, and as she reached for it, the man tried to crush her in the door. K1, still on the phone with 911, started walking over and climbed the first step, as if to intervene. We yelled at her to get back, and she reluctantly stepped back to the sidewalk.

In the meantime, the woman managed to squirm out of the door and ran down the steps. The man followed her out, and immediately approached K1 menacingly. "I know you ain't talking to the cops about what you're seeing," he told her in threatening tones.

Standing a good 6'3" and a well-built 240, he leaned in toward her. I wasn't about to let my friend get beat up by this thug, so I walked over, trying to appear as imposing as possible. fn2.

My advance had the intended result, distracting him from K1. He immediately turned toward me and made a fist and flexed, shaking his fist at me. "What the f*** you gonna do?" he demanded. I stared straight at him and said nothing. The reason I said nothing was because my insides were jelly and my heart was beating at about 250 beats per minute. If I even tried to speak, my voice would have been quivering like aspen leaves in a tornado. I seriously thought I was about three seconds away from needing massive reconstructive surgery for my face. So I just stared him down, trying to look as angry as possible.

He turned and walked away, shouting "Huh?" over his shoulder, as if that was one last challenge to my abilities, despite the fact that he was the one walking away. I am sure that the main thing which saved me from a major beating was that he was more concerned, at that moment, with following his girlfriend so he could try to beat her some more, and realized he was wasting valuable time with me and K1. However, it also shows that domestic abusers are generally really big p*ssies. I mean, this dude could have destroyed me with one punch. But you'd never want to fight with someone who might possibly fight back. Better to beat up on your co-dependent partner who will take the abuse.

So he disappeared into the night, and we were left, terrified, to deal with the many conflicting emotions. We couldn't turn away, and we couldn't leave, as long as there was this person within our sight who appeared to be in immediate danger. Yet intervening directly would have done no good. The worst part is that by now, three hours later, they're probably back together. We may have prevented violence at that moment, but it was almost certainly worse when he finally found her.

The cycle is so incredibly frustrating. It makes you feel so angry and so helpless all at the same time...wanting to prevent the violence, yet knowing that the people involved will willingly keep coming back for more.

Finally, at home, I put some Miles on the turntable and tried to chill and decompress. I'm not as angry now, but I think I'm more sad.

Update: You can read K1's account of the events here.

1. Happy Birthday S4!

2. Yes, you can stop laughing now. If I was going to walk over there, I was going to at least look like I thought I had game to flaunt. Besides, K1 was still on the phone. She needed to talk to the dispatcher, not waste her time with this piece of refuse masquerading as a human being.